Jim Vallet and Robert Perea, The Fernley Reporter
In a past article, I listed several NFL jobs that I believed I could perform as well as people currently holding those positions. Those jobs included NFL backup quarterback, kicking tee fetcher, sidelines sound guy, and waterboy. So far, I have heard nothing from the NFL about my interest in them, so, having been turned down numerous times for employment, I’ve got to believe they’re not interested. I’m moving on.
I now think I can be a former jock pitchman.
Why not? Even though I don’t need a free ride to any of my medical appointments (yet) I bet I know as much about Medicare as Joe Namath, and I won’t even demand to kiss a pretty sideline reporter.
I never played professional baseball, but while Randy Johnson, David Ortiz, Ken Griffey Jr., and Alex Rodriguez were playing pro ball, I was watching it on DirecTV. That, I think, makes me far more qualified to talk about the benefits of the Extra Innings deal on DirecTV than these four former players. Plus, I qualified shooting an M16 rifle in the Air Force, so I know I can shoot a ray gun against some giant Cincinnati Red more accurately than any of them can. Heck, they were busy playing baseball, what does that have to do with watching TV or ray gun shooting?
If Hertz was smart, they would have hired me instead of OJ Simpson to try to get you to rent one of their cars. I can think of a couple of reasons why. First, I never murdered anybody. Second, I’m sure anyone running through an airport leaping over several chairs at once would get an immediate security response, instead of cheers of, “Go, OJ, go!”. I’m not sure why, but I haven’t seen that commercial in about 27 years.
I used to work for an insurance company, so I am much better equipped to be a good neighbor than either Aaron Rodgers or Patrick Mahomes. Sadly for me, I’m not near the golfer either of them are. I guess that’s why they didn’t contact me for the part.
Although I actually use Head & Shoulders shampoo, the choice of Troy Palamalu to pitch their product does have some merit instead of using me. Palamalu’s long, dark, full head of hair is much better PR for a shampoo than my short, receding, gray locks of mine.
Back in 1987, MLB pitcher Roger Clemens did a Zest commercial where he claimed he used Zest to, “…get fully clean”. In light of subsequent developments involving the 6 time (wow!) Cy Young winner, it appears it would take a lot more than a bar of soap to make Clemens, “fully clean”. Not only is it pretty well established that Clemens (like many professional baseball players of his era) regularly used performance enhancing drugs, this guy also has the “honor” of allegedly spitting on a Little League umpire and blaming his wife for ordering PEDs that were delivered to his house. He also has been accused several times of adultery, which together with throwing her under the bus in regards to the PED delivery would be enough to make me find a good divorce lawyer. Clemens was also accused of lying to Congress, although he was acquitted after two trials. Come on now, I’m a much better poster boy for “clean” than Roger Clemens, having managed to keep my saliva in my mouth around umpires, never taking PEDs, and never blaming my wife for my many foibles. Zest made a bad call with this choice. Maybe that’s why there are no Zest commercials anymore.
Proving the whole point of this article, Nick Saban has done numerous commercials, especially during his very successful time as Alabama Head Coach. When he’s not dodging duck poop or hassling with Deion Sanders, Coach Saban did a “College Gameday” commercial where he is eating a Little Debbie. As my wife will attest, there is NO better Little Debbie eater than I. I have yet to see Nick make a single tackle or throw a single block, so what is his credibility in this particular commercial? If it’s a tie about playing football, then it should come down to who’s the better Little Debbie eater to decide who gets this part. And it’s clearly me. So far I have not had any luck, but I’m looking for a lawyer to sue for wrongful not getting the job. Maybe I’ll call the guy Brian Flores hired to sue the Dolphins and the NFL.
So maybe my athletic career didn’t quite work out. Maybe I don’t qualify for any of the unimportant NFL careers, like being a backup quarterback. I think I can still do commercials. Maybe Zest will bring back their soap commercials and give me a call. If they do, it’s no wonder no one uses their soap anymore.
A good week last week, hitting on 4 of 5. I’ll try to do better this week. Lines are from sportsline.com on Tuesday, Oct. 18.
New Orleans Saints (+1 ½) at Arizona Cardinals: If you’re paying attention, how can you pick the Cardinals against even a good Pop Warner team?
Atlanta Falcons (+6) at Cincinnati Bengals: The Falcons are playing well, the Bengals are Bungles when it comes to protecting their QB.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-10 ½) at Carolina Panthers: The Bucs need a win, are getting more players healthy, and need a win. Even though this is normally WAY too many points to give to an NFL team at home, the Panthers seem to be in complete disarray.
NY Giants (+3) at Jacksonville Jaguars: Am I missing something
NY Jets (+3) at Denver Broncos: The Jets are hot, the Broncos offense is not. It’ll be tough to win in Denver no matter who plays quarterback, but it should have been tough in Green Bay, too.
Kansas City Chiefs (-3) at San Francisco 49ers: Do you think the Chiefs will lose two in a row? More importantly, how many 49ers can get hurt and still be competitive?
New England Patriots (-8) vs Chicago Bears: The final in this one could well be 9-0.
Last week: 4-1
Texas A&M (-3) at South Carolina: I’m still unimpressed with the Aggies’ offense, but their defense is the real deal, and that’s what I’m betting on here, South Carolina got a big win two weeks ago when Kentucky quarterback Will Levis was a gametime scratch with an injury, but outside of that, the Gamecocks have been unimpressive on both sides of the ball. In need of a win, the Aggies should do enough to get it here.
Utah St. (+4 ½) at Wyoming: Utah St. has improved steadily as the season has gone on, and they should be able to hang in against a Wyoming team that has a terrible pass offense and mediocre pass defense. After a bad start, the Aggies can get back to .500 here, and they should be able to do it.
UCLA (+6) at Oregon: UCLA quarterback Dorian Thompson-Robinson has been terrific this season, and Oregon QB Bo Nix has a history of failing in big games at Auburn. Oregon is the typical bully, boosting their power rating by running up scores on lesser teams, but they struggle when teams can stand up to them. UCLA is equally explosive, and can do it both by the run and the pass.
Oklahoma St. (+6 ½) over Texas: The Cowboys aren’t as good defensively as last year, but the offensive is more dynamic. Perception of Texas is flavored by nearly beating Alabama and blowing out Oklahoma, but they were on the ropes against Iowa St. last week until a fumble killed the Cyclones when they were in range to kick the tying field goal or possibly score the winning touchdown. The Cowboys handled Baylor and will be focused after losing a late lead to TCU last week.
Colts (+2 ½) at Titans: The Colts turned the ball over three times in losing to the Titans 24-17 on Oct. 2. But now Jonathan Taylor is back from his ankle injury and the Titans are missing their two best pass rushers, just as Matt Ryan is starting to look comfortable with his new receivers.
Packers (-5) at Commanders: I’m fully aware of how the Packers have struggled, especially last week against the Jets, but that leads to a discounted price here against a team that isn’t good at all, and might be playing Taylor Heinecke at quarterback this week, because of the injury to Carson Wentz. I think playing on the road will galvanize the Packers, and Aaron Rodgers will be especially determined this week.
Raiders (-7) over Texans: The Raiders’ playoff hopes are already slim being 1-4, but that means their season is on the line off a bye week. The Texans are off a bye too, but the Raiders are just flat out better, and we should see everything they have to give this week. Considering Josh Jacobs is third in the NFL in rushing, Davante Adams is among the league leaders in receiving and Maxx Crosby is tied for the league lead in sacks, that’s still a lot of capability, and we should see it in force.