Jim Vallet and Robert Perea, The Fernley Reporter
If you’ve been reading my NFL game picks, it’s quite clear to you that I know nothing about pro football. So, I’ve decided to write this week about a topic I know a lot about- whom I don’t want to watch the NFL with on Sundays.
I love my wife and I don’t know what I would do without her, but she is a bad football watching companion. She criticizes my bets ,”How could you pick that team? They stink”. She laughs at my fantasy team, “You really drafted a bad team”. She questions why I do what I do on Sundays in the Fall, “Is this what all your Sundays are like?” She even threatens eternal damnation, “You know, you could miss an hour of this to save your soul.”
I love my son, Matt, but he is also a bad football watching companion because he is a contrarian. He cheers against whatever team I bet on just to bug me. He also eats all of my snacks. I am seriously considering hiding all of my “Hundred Thousand” candybars so that I can have at least one.
I love my nine month old granddaughter, Ava, but I don’t want to watch football with her. She won’t sit still and has to be watched closely because she puts whatever she finds on the floor into her mouth. She reminds me of lava-she doesn’t move fast but she moves relentlessly. How can I watch football if I have to chase a slow moving but relentless crawler all over the house?
I love my almost four year old grandson, Hudson, but I don’t want to watch football with him. The problem with Hudson is he doesn’t want to watch football. He wants to watch some show called “Dinotrucks”. If you’re wondering, it is as bad as it sounds.
I value my 30 year friendship with Don, but I don’t want to watch football with him. Don loves to talk politics or about the Clark County School District’s problems while the games are going. Don also insists on having my clicker and turning the channel to CNN if I go to the restroom.
I value my friendship with Don’s wife, Hope, but I don’t want to watch football with her. Hope, especially during the Super Bowl, watches football to watch the commercials, and shushes anyone like me who attempts to explain to an unlistening audience what’s really going on in the game.
My neighbor, Tom, is a nice guy but I don’t want to watch football with him. Not only does Tom want to know why I’m not flying the “Trump” flag he gave me, Tom eats snacks with more crunching and lip smacking than a velociraptor. Tom’s wife also calls multiple times during a game and Tom talks to her on speaker.
I like my friend Robb, but I don’t want to watch football with him. Robb always thinks that I invite him over to fix everything that’s not working in the house in the middle of the game. That part is ok, even good, but Robb wants my attention while he fixes stuff.
I have thought of which famous people I would noy want to watch football with, either. I would not want to watch football with Donald Trump. I am sure I would have to listen to Trump bragging about how he led the University of Pennsylvania to the NCAA football and baseball national championships. Trump would also want to talk about how Biden is leading us into WW III during the game.
I would not want to watch football with Joe Biden because I doubt if he could stay awake for the whole game.
Although I’m sure Abraham Lincoln would have a lot of good one liners, he is (was?) too good to watch football with. Would honest Abe be offended if I blurted out a string of profanities?
I would not want to watch football with Deshaun Watson because he’s way bigger than I am, and I’m not sure I could protect the women of my house.
I would not want to watch football with Henry VIII because he liked to over eat, and that would cause me serious issues that would severely limit my time outside of the bathroom.
I would not want to watch football with George Santos because I’m sure he would have some pyramid scheme to sell me.
After much thought, I realize the only living thing I want to watch football with is my dog, Missie. Missie never makes fun of my fantasy team, football bets, or picks in the Fernley Reporter. She never has a negative thought about the food I eat, and even eats what I don’t want. Missie never tells me watching football all day Sunday is a waste of time. Missie never talks about work, politics, or eternal damnation. MIssie likes to sit near me, but not on me. And, Missie has no interest in clicker possession.
What else could you want from a football watching companion?
As for my football picks, I have been so bad that The Fernley Reporter is threatening to replace me with someone who actually knows football unless my percentage of winners climbs to above 10%. Here are my Week #3 picks against the spread. Odds are from sportsline.com on Tuesday, Sept. 19.
SF 49ers (-10) vs NY Giants: This one seems too easy. Oh-oh.
Detroit Lions (-3) vs. Atlanta Falcons: The Lions will bounce back after letting one get away last week.
Miami Dolphins (-6 ½) vs Denver Broncos: Let’s see if the Dolphins are as good against the spread at home as they are on the road.
Dallas Cowboys (-12) at Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals have cost me 2 Ls by covering, but still losing. That dam will break against the Cowboys.
LV Raiders (-1 ½) vs Pittsburgh Steelers: The Raiders can score and will against the Steelers. Maybe Kenny Pickett will suddenly hit his receivers and maybe the Steelers will finally be able to run the ball, but I don’t think so.
Philadelphia Eagles (-5) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: You’ll notice I’m tired of losing by going against the Cowboys. I don’t feel the same way about the Bucs, but be careful because the Eagles are beat up in their secondary. Do you think Baker Mayfield will take advantage?
Cincinnati Bengals (-2) vs. LA Rams: How soon everyone forgets! So, if this game were in LA, the Rams would be a 4 point favorite? The Rams have impressed me, although I’m bitter about Sean McVay choosing a 7 point loss over a 3 point loss.
Last week: 2-6
(Editor’s note, I shorted Jim a win in week 1. He was 3-3, not 2-4.)
It was last year all over again for my picks last week, with wrong sides all over the place. Two of my sides kicked last-minute field goals when I needed touchdowns and two of them had their starting quarterbacks get injured. New Mexico fumbled on the 5-yard line when they were dominating the game and it looked like they were going to take a 10-0 lead, and East Carolina coughed up a 21-10 lead faster than Deion Sanders reacted to whatever bull junk it was that lit his fire this time. Here’s this week’s effort:
North Carolina (-7 ½) at Pittsburgh: Drake Maye is going to be a high first round draft pick, but it’s been the running game that has carried North Carolina’s offense so far this season. Pittsburgh has fallen off drastically the past two years and it doesn’t look like Pat Narduzzi has any answers.
BYU and Kansas over 54 ½: Kansas managed to pile up more than 400 yards and 31 points against Nevada despite basically just going through the motions. The Jayhawks are explosive, and now they’re home in their conference opener. BYU beat Arkansas 38-31 last Saturday, and their only chance in this one is to make it that same kind of game.
UCLA (+5) at Utah: Dante Moore has been electric since he came into the game partway through the Bruins’ opener against Coastal Carolina. Utah is expected to announce Thursday whether quarterback Cam Rising will be able to return from the torn ACL he suffered last year, but I’ll take the Bruins either way. I don’t expect him to be the same mobile playmaker he was in his first game back if he does play, and if he doesn’t, I don’t believe the Utes can pull away in this one behind either Nate Johnson or Bryson Barnes.
Washington St. +3 over Oregon St.: Both of these teams have looked really good to open the season, but I think Washington St. has been the more impressive of the two, and they’re taking points at home. That’s reason enough for me.
Packers (-2) over Saints: The Saints are hitting the road with a 2-0 record, but I’ve been impressed with the Packers through the first two weeks, especially when you consider they’ve been mostly without their two best weapons, Aaron Jones and Christian Watson. Jordan Love looks like the put his apprenticeship to good use, and I like the Packers to bounce back in their home opener after a last-minute loss in Atlanta last week.
Patriots (-2 ½) at Jets: With losses to the Eagles and Dolphins, the Patriots have probably has the toughest first two opponents of any team in the NFL. I expect them to be able to slow down the run game and put the game in Zach Wilson’s hands, which would put the win in Bill Belichik’s.
Bengals (-2 ½) vs Rams: My faith in Joe Burrow was not rewarded last weekend. Maybe if it happens again I’ll begin to have some doubts, but that Rams’ secondary is burnable, and Ja’Marr Chase is just waiting to bust loose.