Jim Vallet and Robert Perea, The Fernley Reporter
Spotted Sunday night, Jan. 2, 2022 in one city’s newspaper.
For Sale, Wide Receiver
Very good at catching a football. Extremely athletic. Several years of productive experience. Owner of many awards and trophies.
Receiver has a very pugnacious temperament. Has been known to attack delivery truck drivers whom he believes has disrespected him.
Accused by at least two different women of sexual assault on multiple occasions.
Has been known on two different occasions to record his bosses without their knowledge or permission and post these recordings on social media.
Has no problem attacking teammates in the media while privately attempting to fire at football at one of them. Apparently, these teammates had attempted to talk to our receiver with some perceived disrespect.
Unknown if he has a driver’s license at this time after his reckless driving conviction.
Very good at letting his bosses know how he feels. In front of many witnesses, he called his general manager, “A cracker” while in the process of being restrained from physically attacking said GM.
Needs work with equipment. Receiver gave himself a case of frostbite while not properly following directions using a cryotherapy machine. Then, he claimed he could not play without his old helmet, which the league had banned. He missed several practices over foot and helmetgates, which led to a fine, which led to the previously mentioned GM attack. He attempted to fool the team by spray painting his old helmet and using it, but, bad luck, was caught.
Apparently, believes he is very crafty, because he was caught with a fake Covid vaccination card. When reporters attempted to question our receiver, he accused them of trying to start drama.
Does not only threaten those whom he believes disrespect him. Also accused of threatening one of the women who accused him of sexual assault.
Finally, our man publicly stripped himself of all upper body clothing in the middle of a game. The jersey and shoulder pads he slung against the bench, the tee-shirt and gloves tossed to fans in the stands as he did a silly dance in the end zone. (If I caught his stinky tee shirt, or should I say if it somehow wrapped itself around me, I would throw it right back at him). Then, giving the peace sign and flashing his index finger to show, I guess, that he’s still number 1, he disappeared down the tunnel.
His coach said after the game that he’s appeared from that tunnel in our uniform for the last time after saying two messups ago that his first messup would be his last. Thus, this ad.
Will consider any compensation…retired players, cash, draft picks, old used football autographed by a ball boy.
Serious inquiries only. Interested parties should contact the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
The last week of the NFL regular season is always a tough one to predict. Now, on top of figuring out matchup advantages, we have to consider Covid, who’s injured, who’s going to be held out for “rest”, and which teams will and will not be motivated to play.
I would advise not betting at all, but I also know I’m not taking my own advice.
I should have learned in grade school not to brag, but, obviously, I didn’t. Last week, I reveled in my recent record only to get shot down on Sunday. Here are my picks this week against the spread. Lines are from espn.com on Wednesday, Jan. 5.
Dallas Cowboys (-7) at Philadelphia Eagles: The Cowboys love to run up scores, and the Eagles have already announced several of their key players will not play.
Cleveland Browns (-6) vs Cincinnati Bengals: Baker Mayfield will not play, and, this year, that’s a plus for the Browns. The Bengals have already announced Joe Mixon and Joe Burrow will not play. One caution-This line has moved 7 points since opening with the Browns getting one point.
Detroit Lions (+4) vs. Green Bay Packers: Another big line mover. I can’t believe Rodgers, Adams, et al will play much in this one.
Minnesota Vikings (-3) vs Chicago Bears: Kirk Cousins will play in this one and he’s great in games that don’t matter.
Baltimore Ravens (-5 ½) vs Pittsburgh Steelers: Don’t be fooled by Monday night…the Steelers are bad on offense, and this is a rivalry game.
New Orleans Saints (-4) at Atlanta Falcons: The Saints are getting guys back and they have a real shot at the playoffs.
San Francisco 49ers (+4 ½) at Los Angeles Rams
Los Angeles Chargers (-3) at Las Vegas Raiders: Another DUI for the Raiders. The Chargers are better, they have to win, and they have Derek Carr’s number.
Alabama (+3) over Georgia: Georgia has looked like and been considered the best team in the country all season until getting beaten down by Alabama in the SEC championship game, and the Bulldogs looked like that same team again in last Friday’s whipping of Michigan. Alabama, meanwhile, took down Cincinnati in workmanlike fashion. Certainly the loss of John Metchie in that SEC championship game is going to limit the Tide’s explosiveness, but they still have plenty of guys who can catch the ball, and Jameson Williams is still the best deep threat in college football. I think this game will be much closer than the game a month ago, but to take a side in this one, I imagined myself after the game with a losing ticket on each team, and when it comes down to it, I’m more willing to lose on Alabama than lose on Georgia.
Falcons (+4 ½) over Saints: The final week of the NFL regular season is the most difficult to bet, even more so than the preseason. That’s because to play a favorite that needs to win, you usually have to lay more points than the matchup calls for, but to bet an underdog, you have to be sure that your team is going to show up with a good effort. Plus, just like the preseason, lots of players are sitting out to make sure they’re healthy for the playoffs. Even though the Falcons got eliminated from the playoffs last week, I’m betting they show up and give an effort here, and the way the Saints have been playing, they don’t belong a 4 ½-point road favorite over any team not from Jacksonville. Not only that, but the Saint’s are in a must-win situation this week because they haven’t been good enough to win these kind of games.
Chargers (-3) at Raiders: I am surprised the Raiders have made it to Week 18 with a chance to make it to the playoffs, but here they are in a winner in, loser out matchup with the Chargers. I simply think the Chargers are the better team with more weapons. I like the over as much as I like the Chargers, as I think both teams open things up and let it rip here.